Attentive Listening

Have you ever been in a conversation where you were asked a question about yourself, and, as you were sharing, you realised that the person across from you wasn’t actually listening to a word you were saying? The moment you stopped talking, the other person picked up on their own story, and the whole conversation went into a different direction, but you were still waiting for a response to what you had shared.

This leaves you with the feeling that the person was never really interested in what you had to say. Maybe you believe that you aren’t the best at captivating an audience with your storytelling, and this just confirms it. I’m sure many of you know what this can lead to … inferiority, rejection, withdrawal, and even anger can start to take a hold.

If this scenario sounds familiar to you, take it to the Lord. Remind yourself that your worth is found first of all in Him, and that every detail of your life is important to Him (as confirmed in Luke 12:6-7): “Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? Yet not one of them has [ever] been forgotten in the presence of God. Indeed, the very numbers of your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid; you are far more valuable than many sparrows”.

Maybe you are reading this and realise that you are the one struggling to really listen when others are sharing something from their own lives. A very natural response from the listener is to share a similar experience from his or her own life. This can be helpful, but the timing and way in which you share your own story is really important.

If you are sharing it to encourage the other person, the focus of the conversation will still be on the other person. In this way, he or she feels understood and heard. If your story takes over and becomes the focus, the other person feels overlooked and not valued. Here is a lesson from Proverbs 10:19: ‘When there are many words, transgressions and offense are unavoidable. But he who controls his lips and keeps thoughtful silence is wise’.

So how does one really listen? You can start by asking the Lord to help you focus on the person and what he or she is trying to share. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you listen beyond the words spoken and to give you a glimpse of the emotions behind what is being shared. By doing this, it automatically takes the focus off yourself and your own experiences.

Even if you are reminded of something similar in your own life, be cautious about sharing it immediately. Wait for the Lord’s prompting. And another very basic thing … put aside whatever else you are busy with. Your body language speaks volumes in a conversation. Gaining someone’s trust starts with them feeling valued and heard. This is Jesus’ heart for His people.