I had been at Ellel for ministry a few times but I knew there was something deeply wrong with me. I had been a Christian for about 9 years, I loved the Lord and I was trying to obey Him and walk by His spirit but I would crumple emotionally at certain times - usually when I was on my own with my kids and feeling empty and under pressure from their demands. I would get cross with them and would come under tremendous self -condemnation. There were other problems too - overwhelming feelings of rejection and despair. Although I knew the Lord, there were still times of desolation and lost-ness.
One day, whilst going through one of these moods, I cried out to the Lord - 'Help! What is this? What do I need to do? Do I need to fast?' Instantly, the words '5 days water' came to me. I asked the Lord to confirm that this was from Him and He did. I fasted from 8th-12th December 2009. On the last evening of the fast I said 'Lord, I have been obedient - now I need you to act'. Nothing happened immediately but about 6 days later I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go to Ellel.
I booked myself onto the next course - I think it was called 'Healing Through Deliverance' and I think it ran from 20-22 December. Just before I went to the course, my mother came to visit me. My relationship with her has not been easy. We talked about some things from the past and she shared some of the things which had happened around my conception and it became very clear that I had been an unwanted child.
With this knowledge I went to Ellel. Through the course I was really focused on the Lord. On the Saturday night, during the ministry time, I clearly felt the Lord say to my spirit 'Forgive your mum for never wanting you'. I immediately obeyed and was able to forgive my mum. As I did, healing poured into my belly. This carried on for 2 maybe even 3 hours into the night- just healing pouring into my belly.
The next morning, I woke up feeling no different. Later I travelled home, disappointed that I didn't feel different. In the days that followed I was still the same but then I came to a point where I decided I would praise the Lord anyway and that became my attitude.
A few days later, a friend talked about Watchman Nee's book 'The Normal Christian Life'. She insisted that I read it. I read the first few chapters and it really resonated with me. He talked about 'the blood'. I read it again and it resonated even more. I read it again and again and each time it resonated more. I must have read it seven times! By now, I 'knew' that Jesus's blood was shed for me and that Romans 8:38-39 was true 'For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord'. I knew I was accepted through Jesus' blood alone. I knew it! Praise God! and to this day I have lived in that knowledge. I believe that I was unable to receive the Truth before due to a wall in my spirit. I believe this wall was broken down when I forgave my mum for never wanting me and then I received the revelation about Jesus' blood. Halleluia!
Recently this new solid foundation has been tested and I have had to learn to 'stand' in this truth - a difficult journey but one with wonderful fruit! One last thing - it is interesting to note that about 2-3 years before all of this occurred I had never been to Ellel. I had been receiving the handbook for several years but the Lord had not yet opened up the way for me to come. I found a talk online by Peter Horrobin about how the unborn spirit can pick up rejection in the womb. As I listened to this talk, I knew that this applied to me. It wasn't until 2-3 years later that the Lord brought me to that place of healing but even then He was using Ellel to prepare me. Thank you so much to Ellel for this teaching and for providing a place of safety where the deepest darkest places in our spirits can be opened and healed.