I’ve never been an orphan and my only understanding of the term was what I’ve gleaned from watching movies or read about in books, or so I thought. I’ve subsequently come to realise that the way I was living out my relationship with Father God was remarkably like that of an orphan.
This is a short list of my orphan-like behaviour. A fear of rejection that results in trying to be ‘good enough’ and ‘people pleasing’, independence, I’ll do it all myself since I can’t trust anyone to be there for me, fear of unfair or harsh discipline, nothing is free, everything is earned, begging, manipulating or stealing anything that could bring me short term comfort (things like food, clothing, toys or even love), poverty is just around the corner (I’d better do something about that), I only get the most menial tasks because preferential treatment’s given to ‘real’ sons, afraid to ask for anything more than I think I’ve earned, if I mess up, I’m out.
I was exhausted from trying to hide behind masks of success while failing miserably in my most important relationships. I was leaking enough that people were seeing the real me. Something had to change and it surely did. What a relief! I remember when God broke through to me and called me His son. It changed everything. Not instantly, but in a growing and testing kind of way. It changed our conversations and my devotion to pleasing Him, not out of having to, but rather wanting to. I wrote a poem to help both celebrate and remember my new found freedom in His love.
My King came to earth and rescued me from the muck and mire.
He gave me a place to stand where I could feel the warmth of His fire.
From my heart began to flow a new song of my glorious King.
But parts of me were still so dead, some words I couldn’t sing.
Through days and years of struggle, and trying as best I could
To keep my father’s love for me as I thought a good son should
Only to find myself drifting again to idols of stone and wood
With more guilt, shame and loneliness and still misunderstood
There came a day when I just gave up the pain was too much to bear
I said to my father “I’m sorry, I tried but I just don’t compare
With my brothers and sisters who walk with you in an endless love affair
But all I see is a trail far away ending in fear and despair
My dad reached out to hold me but my face, I wouldn’t show.
Surprised by his love in my current state, the tears began to flow
Son, you keep trying to earn from me with your very own hands
The boundless love I have had for you since before the world began.
And nothing can change my love for you from the peaks to the depths of the sea
You see, I’ve given my all for you, and mine you will always be
There is no need to compare yourself or try to win my smile
For as long as the earth and heavens remain you’ve had me all the while.
Prayer: Dad, there is no greater joy for me than to know I’m forever Yours. I’m thankful for Your patience and Your unending pursuit of me. When I struggle to believe Your words that say I’m worth it all, remind me again what my older brother did for me. Love Randy.
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